Some people build their own castle inside your heart and some people stay in the guest room.
People be talkin' about love and relationships. Because this is coming up so much, and Valentine's day is upon us, it seems timely and topical for me to make crazy amounts of sense about love.
I've recently had several email dialogues with a handful of people I think a lot of and there has been a theme to all of our talking... love. The romantic kind, the thing we pridefully deny the need for when it's missing and often take for granted when it's not. The kind whose entry makes everything glow and whose exit makes life very dark. Valentine's Day is sneaking up my leg and for the first time since 2003, I don't have a "special someone" or really even someone I would consider. I don't cuss the TV out when a Hallmark or Kay Jewelers commercial comes on though. I suppose that means I'm not a blanket disbeliever in love (actually, I don't know anyone who believes in love more than I do) or someone who is spiteful of those who have it. What I've noticed as I speak to others about my feelings and process the feelings of others is that most of us are willing to give essential pieces of us away not only for real romantic love, but even just blissful hallucinations of love.
Why? I think it's because there is no more powerful source of instant emotional gratification than love. Evolutionarily the reasons are obvious, a compatible mate increases our sense of safety, provides emotional shelter and assures the part of us that wants to procreate that we're on the right track. Emotionally though, it's more complicated and this is where it gets a little risky, a little tricky and occasionally... a little shady. The powerful feeling of a shiny new mate can override almost all levels of pain. It's really the only thing that has the power to do this. It allows you to put on glasses that show you the world in a way that, "Everything is ok" even when it isn't, it's an opiate. Reality doesn't go anywhere, it just sits and waits. You will pay dearly for abusing it, always. This is something that has put me in tough spots many, many times, and now more so than ever. The following is a "chopped and screwed" excerpt of an email I sent that speaks directly to what I'm talking about.
"If you've made the effort and you've put yourself out there and the "dickmove" behavior, the absence, the distance and the indifference continues then clearly, this man doesn't deserve your attention. The whole situation reeks to me, I'm not sure why, but I get the feeling that you're being treated like a commodity. You're someone there to make him feel good when he needs it and when he doesn't you're disposable, you're devalued, you're a throw away stock. I know... I absolutely know I've done this to people before. At the time it didn't feel so evil, but now that I have had a small taste of it I really understand what it feels like. Experiencing the view from the "less than" side unmasks the cruelty that I was able to explain away by lying to myself. People are not commodities, and people's kindness, affection and effort should not be treated that way. Whatever has happened it's caused you a measure of discontentment, and I am sorry for that. I don't know what your vision of a happy ending with this guy would have looked like or what you hoped for, but rest assured, if he had a shot at you and lost it, that is something he will regret not long from now... even if that shot was a long one."
All this trauma I'm going through has forced me to realize how deeply people's self-serving (or self-preserving) actions can affect others. It's forced me to evaluate the way I view and treat relationships both entering and exiting. Each impulsive step taken towards someone or away from someone has an incredibly profound effect on the feelings of the other party. They are steps that should be taken with great care because the footprints left can never be erased. I will never steal a woman again, I certainly won't string anyone along again. I feel like this experience, having another man chosen over me, has really changed me in a profound way. Messing with people's hearts is foul business and it is certain that what comes around goes around, and boy, has it come around with a vengeance. Olivia Munn had a tweet about something similar recently, "Dear ___, They say there are three sides to every story. I agree. There is your side, my side & then what you tell yourself to sleep at night. KthxBYE." It makes me think really hard about all the things I've told myself in the past to justify what I was doing. How quick I was to take something for granted or brush aside my own morality and conscience just for the possibility that I might experience the euphoria associated with love's brand of novelty. It doesn't matter what my intentions were, obviously none of us do these things with the intent to cause someone pain, but pain becomes someone's reality when we do this. The amount of intoxication generated by romantic novelty makes it nearly impossible to see the pain we're causing someone we love let alone care enough to change. It's a toxic, pathological path and one I really don't ever want anything to do with again. It's a pain train, it's addiction, it's romantic abuse and it only prolongs whatever pain we are hiding from. It will end up creating way more grief than it's worth and destroys relationships that deserve to exist.
My friend and I were both confused about why our circumstances were bothering us so deeply. We are both confident, funny, smart, charismatic folks, both of us could easily be dating just to be dating. Neither of us is overly jealous or possessive, and we're both independent nearly to a fault. I cannot speak for her, but for me it's three pronged. The first is that it was just about the time I realized I was deeply in love with the person and ready to commit that they decided maybe they weren't. It's bizarre to spend three years trying to slow things down or at least keep them where they are and then finally see that everything you wanted was available only to find out you were too late... seemingly by a matter of minutes. The second is that I'm wrought with guilt and remorse, it's all my fault and that is a hard thing to deal with. My former partner didn't go seeking romance before I gave her no option, I forced her out. The third is that there's another man in this equation and it is in that way the person I'm having this dialogue with and I have this common pain. The following excerpt speaks directly to the third issue.
"Part of the reason this is bothering you so much is because this relationship wasn't originally your idea. You, in essence, agreed to this. (This is all just my opinion, but my instincts are fucking impeccable, so if you're going to meow words of contradiction at me, make sure you can back them up.) When people are in relationships, short term, long term, live-in, long distance, good, bad, medium... whatever, you get it, they kind of "shake" on it. Like, "I like you some, you like me some, let's make this a thing and see where it goes" so... you both agreed to it. When it ends, it only takes one, and because it only takes one someone is in a position of power and someone isn't. In this case, even though you're clearly higher quality, you are less-than. And whether your ego is as large and fragile as mine is immaterial, you're wearing the "less-than" tag. This person thinks you are no longer good enough and they can have more fun, a better time... a better life, with someone else. Clearly in your case and in mine, that's just a shitty, false, short sighted decision, I mean get an effing grip. Now, these people would never say those things, at least not to our faces, and it's possible they aren't even aware of them, but those are the implications of their actions. The feelings those implied sentiments generate inside us are fucking intense... INTENSE. This guy thinks he's got a better opportunity? It's almost laughable... but, he most certainly thinks so, because if he didn't his behavior would say, "I'm excited about you." I'm telling you, if the numbers don't add up right and you feel like there's someone else, there is. You and I are smart folk, we know what we should think and say, but that doesn't really mean shit where are feelings are concerned. We've been judged and so we feel bad, we want to erase the bad judgment and make them think we're good enough."
The feeling of not being good enough for someone is just gross.
When I have feelings like these I always judge myself for having them. Why should I be jealous? She doesn't want to be with me, she's been treating me like a contingency plan for months, she's been hiding things from me, she's been emotionally misleading, she wants to be with someone else, what is there to be upset about? Can't I just get over it? Can't I just wish her luck and slap her on the ass? I always said that I would never want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me, so why is this so hard for me? I just find it very hard to forgive myself for my own feelings enough to allow me to feel them and move on. Nothing she has done or failed to do in the last 3 months overrides the trauma I put her through for the better part of three years. I realize I don't "deserve" to be treated like this, but neither did she. That said I still need to find the courage to stand up for myself, drag myself out of the weeds and get up on my own feet. I need to remember that I'm not wrong or bad to feel the way I do and I'm not wasting my time processing all of this. This particular situation is huge, it's a huge loss. It is the loss of someone who occupied the spotlight in my heart, it's the unceremonious loss of a family member. I love her deeply and with full saturation. Just because it's over and there's nothing I can do about it doesn't mean it doesn't require my attention and effort, I can't just ignore it. One of the biggest cognitive deficits most of us have as human beings is understanding why we feel what we do. The truth of the matter is if we feel things, those emotions require our attention, to ignore our feelings is to ignore our own humanity. When we have them they tell us who we really are, it's not important that peripheral people know everything about us, but it is critical that we try to learn as much as we can about ourselves. Dismissing emotion is a cognitive practice, and unfortunately, our strengths in logic and reason actually serve as a handicap in understanding and processing how we feel.
Brains are amazing, sort of funny that the most evolved parts are what cause so much trouble. We have baseline emotions, fear, rage, happiness, etc. When those mix with our cognitions we end up with a complex melding of thought and emotion. Fear, with thoughts of betrayal and loss become jealousy and jealousy is much more complicated to deal with than fear or betrayal alone. What we are left with is a problem that needs to be dissected before it's dealt with because neither our emotions nor our thoughts can deal with the problem created by the mix.
Handling this situation the best that I can, and doing so without the crutch of a rebound relationship will benefit me a great deal. I can't possibly consider the option of dating because I'm not in a place where I am of sound mind... this is a drug for me and that's not at all what I want. It's hard to grieve the loss of someone you're still in love with, because like it or not, it's a choice and I just can't believe that I wasn't the choice. However as my very empowering best friend put it, "Whether you like it or not you and her are done. Nothing you say or do will change that and it won't make you feel better, only worse. Concentrate on yourself not her, not you and her, yourself. She is gone. She doesn't like you. She doesn't respect you or anything you've done for her. She isn't a part of your life anymore and doesn't deserve to be." The moment I stopped listening to my wounded heart and arguing with everyone and started listening to what my friends and family were saying I instantly felt a bit better. I felt less at the mercy of someone else and my actions were no longer based on anything other than me. Her and I had undeniable magic and a powerful connection and the fact that it's over is a shame and very, very sad. I mean, a relationship like that has to be special to make it through all of the shit we did. Dealing with this the right way will prepare me to eventually start a new relationship with a new perspective on what it means to be in love. I will have the experiences to draw from that will allow me to appreciate and respect that connectedness in a way I've never experienced before. Somebody's going to win the Tyler Gall Sweepstakes... lucky lady for sure. I am far from ready for something like that, but I can see very clearly the benefits of this horribly painful situation already. I will have what it takes to give all of myself to someone, because I will have a complete understanding of who, "All of Tyler" really is.
Oddly it's easier to stay sober when I'm in the middle of emotional extremes. It's when I'm complacent that I am at my most vulnerable. I get stronger and more comfortable with who I am every day that passes. A little stronger every day, a little less pain and a little more hope. More than anything, my sobriety has allowed me to make all this progress and it is without any question the single most valuable thing in my life. I talked to my own personal savior last week, my old counselor from treatment, Wendy, she told me, "keep an open mind... Miracles Happen." When that woman speaks, I listen, she's right, miracles do happen and they seem to be. I am blown away with gratitude for the things in my life when I choose to see them. Things could be worse after all... I could still be the same shithead I was a year ago. It feels good to feel, even if it hurts. This is something alcohol never allowed, alcohol stole who I was. This remarkable string of sober days I'm building has given me a new hope and a new life. Nothing you could promise me would make me want that life I was living back.
Happy Mother Fucking Valentine's Day.
