Did you read "A million little pieces?" Me too. Where you as pissed as Oprah when you found out he made it up? Probably. You think YOU were pissed... this asshole wrote a book about his addiction fraudulently. I don't even give a shit if it was based loosely on his life... if you want to tell exaggerated bullshit stories about your addiction find yourself a bad AA meeting and stop making us all look like fucking liars. I'm not suggesting that my life is that compelling, but I will tell you this, I AM that compelling, ask anyone that's been in a room with me for 20 minutes when I'm "feelin' it" (don't stress, this isn't going to morph into a lecture about how great I am, although I feel like you could all use a reminder, especially those of you who have been around for a while). I may not have a million little pieces to pick up, but I have several hundred moderately sized pieces, they are sharp, heavy and I'd rather not deal with them at all.
Tyler, how can you be bitter about the Million little whatevers thing still?
First, that's a horrible sentence, and second, I'm not, but it's relevant, objection overruled, hold all questions until the end please. Writing that book cheapened this expression and that is personally offensive to me. Since I started posting my life in this forum I've received a lot of feedback, most of it positive, constructive and insightful. Some of it critical, but purposeful. Some of it ignorant... no ignorant isn't quite right... embarrassingly stupid and at a level approaching the kind of stupidity that is possessed by a person who uses their own toothbrush to wipe their ass. One common theme hidden within all of the commentary is, "Why/How do you do this?"
It's hard to explain and I can see why it's on your mind. The quick answer is, "It helps me understand my own life." That doesn't really satisfy people very well.
I've been accused of being a shameless attention seeking "sellout." Which is one that I really like, because generally when people sellout they make money. Additionally, Pee Hole (I just made it cool to call someone "Pee Hole") if you're jealous or salty about whatever attention you think I'm getting by pouring my ugly out through my keyboard consider the fact that all of the attention might not be praise. I mean, you're kind of an asshole, what makes you think you're unique? How about you leave your cowardice cloak in the closet and say something publicly to open yourself up to this kind of feedback and see how well you handle it. Also, if you don't want me to get attention, maybe stop giving it to me. "Haters shake my hand, but I keep the sanitizer on deck." - Kid Cudi
Some people are just blown away by how courageous and interesting I am, that's always really nice to hear and I appreciate the sentiment deep within my heart. As hard as this is to admit, I'm no more courageous than anyone, this is not that hard for me to do. Courageous to me is kissing Shamu at Sea World, it's telling someone you love them when you're not sure if they feel the same way, it's letting go of something you didn't think you could live without. I don't really have to worry too much about what people think of what I say or how I'm perceived because I've accepted that it's legitimately who I am. It might not be right for you, it might be inappropriate self-disclosure for you. For me this is normal, this is natural. I've been candid about my alcoholism since I was 20 and I don't really know any other way to talk about it. It's a slippery slope, if I start hiding it from you then when do I start hiding it from me? That's a risk I can't afford to take anymore. I'm not ashamed of being an alcoholic it's an inextricable part of who I am, that doesn't mean that it defines me, but to deny it would be to deny part of myself.
Ultimately, I do it because it's me. This process is a part of who I am, I am a writer, this keeps me healthy. For every minute taken away from me at the keyboard five are added staring through the darkness at my bedroom ceiling, soaked in fear. It's a spiritual process, some people do yoga, some people worship, some people garden, I do this. I'm not ashamed of what comes pouring out of my finger tips because it's not calculated. It just comes out, whatever is left in my cursor's wake is authentic. I don't feel like I need to defend it and if my hand is forced it's easy to defend because I believe in it. I really appreciate it when people take the time to read it, and even more so when someone talks to me about it, because it's all stuff I think about. Just always be mindful that this is primarily written for me. However, there is no moment during this process that I enjoy more than when I talk to someone about something I said and through that dialog I learn something, about them, about me, about life or all of the above. That's the soul of this, it's about me openly acknowledging that I don't know a fucking thing about how to live this life and all I'm doing is the best that I can. It is magic when someone who has always appeared to me as an institution, someone who has it all together on the outside has thoughts about this. When they see my damaged heart splayed open like a poorly carved Thanksgiving turkey and are moved to admit to me, "hey, I feel that way too." That's the most beautiful thing in the world. That's what this is all about, not this blog, this life. It's not about happiness or it's pursuit, it's not about a flashy collection of letters behind your name, it's not about stacking your chips, it's about sharing your life with someone else and accepting that gift from others when it's offered. Try it... be vulnerable, be deep, be genuine, invest, take a risk with your heart. Bonding with people through victory and defeat. There is no such thing as prideful intimacy. Experience enmity, experience friendship, have an opinion, stop talking about the fucking weather. Shocker! People read my blog... try writing one about how nice or not nice it is outside and keep an eye on your traffic. Nobody gives a shit, nobody would care to read it and you would hate writing it.
I refuse to live a superficial life. I don't have time for it. All this pain and chaos and loss has put something in me that wasn't there before. I have as much respect for myself as I do for others and I know that because I respect my own time. Friendship and connection should mean something, if you're giving someone your time, make sure it's worth it, not for both of you, just you, their time and investment is their shit to deal with. I'm willing to sacrifice as much for myself as I am for you, I'm willing to shut you out of my life if I feel like it's right for me, I'm willing to consider my own feelings before I consider yours. I try every day to do my best, I rarely hit that target, but if I tried I know it wasn't wasted. If I've committed to trying to do my best, the only thing I have to be ashamed of or to fret about is failing to honor that commitment. If you're not doing your best, fucking do it and if you've done your best and things are still shitty, quit worrying about it. It's unreasonable to expect yourself to fly today if you don't have wings today. I could have been a lot of things but I promise you, I've never liked myself more than I do now and without these losses I would have never arrived here. I am ashamed of some of the things I've done, but I will never be ashamed of who I am. No matter what I give away, no matter hat I lose, no matter what is taken from me I will always have me, and no offense, but no matter who you are, I'd much rather be me than you. Can you say the same thing?
"To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing." - Elbert Hubbard (TG's Piggy Back: ...except a coward.)
Cliff's Notes
- Do your best
- Be Alive while you're living
- Do your best
- Kiss Shamu
- Do your best
- Get over it
- Do your best
- Pee Hole
Love you TyTy. <3
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