Tyler. I need you.

Do you ever take a look at yourself and the things you're feeling and think, "what is the matter here?  Who is this person?"

I wonder exactly how intimidated I would be if the "Best Version of Tyler J" burst through my bedroom door with his command and presence and saw what was going on with this wounded human being.  I would be mortified and ashamed of how he would see me and terrified of the things I was about to hear.  At the very least he would listen with compassion and then vigorously talk some sense into me and at the most he would beat the shit out of me.  Either way, I'm scared of that man, because he would say all of the things I didn't want to hear and I would know they were all true.  Obviously he doesn't want to hurt me at least not without a purpose.  Sometimes that's what it takes to heal, sometimes you've got to slice open a hand to get the thorn out.  Scar tissue is always better than infection.

One thing is for sure, I need that guy, I need him now.  I want what he has, this is not me... I'd rather go down the drain than circle any longer.  It's been 170 days since my last drink and that's the 2nd longest time in my life since I started.  What ever is different now has brought a good to my life that the previous didn't allow.  I don't want to walk backward to the life I had, that was a life that stopped being worth living in 2009.  I'm just flooded with emotion, love, hate, peace, chaos, faith, fear... I am over capacity.  It's rushing over the spillway.

So... what would he say?

"Hey man, I'm not here to tell you that your life doesn't suck right now, it does.  If you really want to be happy again being such a pussy isn't going to make it happen any faster.  You literally have nothing to gain by feeding your misery except more misery.  Remember that shit from treatment about whichever wolf you feed gets stronger?  Well, you'd be better off feeding yourself than those bastard wolves, both of them seem to get you into trouble.  In real life you don't get extra credit for beating the shit out of yourself... this isn't a Lifetime Movie.  You pretend like you don't know which part of the serenity prayer is most important right now and that's just an excuse to wallow.  I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I'm not a coward, that I can handle life with grace, that I don't live in fear... I can't say any of those things about you.

That cavern that lives in your chest is not something you can fill overnight and it's possible that you'll always have a hole there.  Face it, that's a big fucking hole.  I know losing Ma was hard, I know that we'll never get over it, but we don't have to smash everything she wanted for us for no reason.  Or, even worse, a stupid reason.  Losing Ma and Elizabeth in the same year was hard, Megan filled the hole left by both of those losses and now she's gone too and the hole is even bigger than it was before.  This is the price you pay for ignoring your pain.  This is the price you pay for putting a band aid on it.  If you continue down this road you're going to drink again.  It's only a matter of time, you're a time bomb and the next time that fuse reaches the explosive we're dead.  How many more times do you think you can make it out of the hospital?  How many more relationships do you need to destroy?  You were sober for six years, you know what to do... what are you waiting for?  You forget how many addicts that are dead having done less than you have, you're alive for a reason.  Stop covering your eyes and look for that reason.

You've done some good the last three years.  You've been generous, you've been kind, you've sacrificed, they weren't a total waste.  That good is dwarfed by the good you've done in the last 170 days.  When I tell you that if you don't drink good things happen, it's the truth.  Look at all the shit we did those six years and without much effort.  You've done some evil also, the wake of horror behind you is impossible to ignore, but you can make it valuable if you remember it and forgive yourself.

You have what it takes, actually, you've got a lot more than it takes.  Look at ME, take a good look... this is who you are.  Now go look in the mirror and tell me you're happy with what's looking back at you.  That guy is bad for us, that guy will put you in the ground long before you're supposed to be there.  You feel like you don't have anything to offer?  You feel like you will never deserve good things again?  You feel like you don't deserve to be loved?  You feel like you don't have anything to believe in?  LOOK at me... if you don't believe in yourself, if you can't find something to believe in, fucking believe in me.  I am formidable, I have presence, I love who I am and you should also.  There isn't a single thing in the world I don't have the confidence to face.  This man that you are now hates who he is and can't even face himself.  You haven't made eye contact with me since I walked in, who have you become?  I have everything I want, you know what that is?  If you say what I think you're going to say I'm leaving.  What we want is happiness.  Not control.  Not women.  Not money.  Being happy is all this whole thing is about, there is no other reason to live.  If you lose hope that you'll be happy again you really don't have anything to live for.  You've got to find a way, and you've GOT to do it right fucking now.

You were not deserted and abandoned, the people that are gone are refugees not villains.  You're not going to be rescued, nobody is going to swoop in and take all of this pain away from you.  You are not a victim and self pity will kill you.  We don't have the luxury to feel sorry for ourselves.  What you're doing isn't grief, it's hate, it's abuse.  You are responsible for putting yourself here and forcing people out of your life.  It's your responsibility to clean this shit up.

Pour your heart, never ignore it, the more you pour the fuller it becomes.  Always believe what that thing pounding in your chest is telling you, you would be a damn fool to ignore it any longer.  Do what you feel like you need to do to take care of yourself, but don't ever forget, people are lucky as fuck to have us in their life and if they disagree... they don't know you as well as they think they do.

I'm coming back in one year and if you're still here, I'll pull the fucking trigger myself."

Yikes... I told you I was afraid of him.


What about you?
What would the best version of you say? 
Is this the best version?
Are you less than you could be? 
Where are your shortcomings? 
Where have you been lazy? 
Where have you been cold? 
Where have you been unplugged? 
Where have you slipped?
Where have you cheated yourself?
When will the collection agencies start calling to collect on all that emotional debt you've been charging?
Are you living in a movie?
You know who it is that you need... and if that person burst through your door how would you feel?
Could you look them in the eye knowing you're living your best possible life?
They are the only person on Earth who can help you.
They are the only person on Earth you know won't leave you behind.
Sooner or later reality is coming.

Hope you're ready.