I haven't seen the film, but I've heard a few people talking about it. This is what I imagine the story to be like.
Humorless, Brooding, Emo, Vampire Douche and Slutty, Vampire Chaser Dingbat get together like everyone always wanted. She wants to have some kind of bizarre inter-species romp before she becomes a cold soulless creature of the night. He's all like, "No, we can't because I will basically beat the shit out of you with my hands and vampire dong." She's all like, "But that's how I like it." He's like, "Ok, but it's going to be bad." And she says... "Ooooh, yeah... I love it bad." He's like, "No, I don't mean bad-good... I mean bad-bad." And she says, "Yeah... bad-bad... that's what I like, have you read these books?"
So, he gets a cold, bloodless erection and wears that ass out... and she's left in a fleshy, mortal heap of lumps and bruises. He's mortified because, well... for an immortal creature who's killed millions of people, he's a complete pussy. She's like, "Lover! Since I think abusing women is the coolest thing ever, that was the best sex I've ever experienced... I loved it." So then she gets pregnant and they're worried because they don't know what kind of demon freak two insufferable idiots will spawn. To say nothing of the fact that he's a vampire.
As soon as her werewolf, closet homosexual, ex-boyfriend finds out, he's outraged. Because all of his worgen crew will want to kill her and the demon freak fetus. Clearly to protect the balance of nature or supernature or whatever, but mostly because they're bored with this story and just want it to be over. Werewolf guy says, "You guys... you're just so stupid and silly. Don't you know about all these mysterious and made up rules, that even in the realm of fantasy somehow feel inaccurate? Things that seem so obvious to everyone? The wolves will come and eat you!!" They're like, "No we didn't. Jeez, what do we do now? Let's kiss passionately and stare with glassy, worried, cloying eyes at each other for a minute." Vampire guy stops and thinks, he says, "Hey! Fuck this, I'm a vampire. ROAR!!" Thinking that obviously his make believe supernatural powers are enough to overtake the powers of a full pack of supernatural super-duper-wolves.
Hubris... it will get your freak, demon baby killed every time.
Thank goodness the werewolf had his thinking cap on. He comes up with this completely normal plan... "Hey guys, I've got it," he says, "If I have sex with your baby then it's all cool."
...
*crickets*
...
"How... exactly... is that 'all cool?'" asks Dingbat
"Well, it's simple," responds the pedophile werewolf, "If I look into the eyes of your demon baby and we fall in love then when she's sexually mature in like 18 months we can have sex and then it's just all cool. I mean... EVERYBODY knows that. Except for you two dumbasses obviously. Just trust me, this is a major sacrifice I'm making. Plus this way you guys will be my parents. I know it sounds bad and maybe a little confusing, but I know what I'm talking about. You can trust me, just let me have sex with your baby and I can make all this trouble go away."
Vampire and Dingbat cloyingly stare at each other and kiss... they look around and pace. Then they agree because it's literally impossible for them to come up with any idea, of any quality, about anything. "Yes." they say jointly, "The we could not be happier to allow a 20 year old werewolf to enter into a romantic relationship with our newborn baby."
They all hug as a new family. Vampire guys says, "I can't wait until you sleep with my infant, we will all be so happy."
Twilight continues to deliver cutting edge love stories... now including inter-species, supernatural pedophilia.
The End.
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