Today my step-father sent the above photo. They are the "Micky Mouse" tulips my mother planted in the back yard. They are her favorite, and they are as beautiful as ever.
Judy, she is my Mom, she passed away on October 5th, 2007. Before she did that, she did amazing things. Since she did that, she's done even more amazing things. That event changed my world in a way I could not accept, nor understand. I'm just now beginning to grieve the loss, the beauty about real grief is that the pain actually leads somewhere. In this case, it's the slow realization that our connection is evolving, it continues to grow and is beginning to flourish in an entirely new way.
I can't see her with my eyes, touch her with my hands, talk to her with my voice or hear her with my ears. But I can still do all of those things with my heart.
Whenever I choose to see her, I can see her in everything, she is always with me... she is an inextricable part of who I am. Everything we were, we still are and will always be.
I'm a momma's boy and there is no person on Earth that wears that badge with more pride than I. Everything that is good in me was cultivated out of soil that she tilled and maintained. The bond between her and I remains now, as powerful as it has ever been.
I miss her voice, her laugh, her guidance... I miss being afraid of her, I miss being protected by her. I do not miss her cooking, but I do miss making fun of it. I miss when she would get flustered by me and accidentally call me the name of the dog we had, or "Bill" or the cat, before finally hitting the right note. I miss drinking lemonade on the porch.
There is no time for petty bullshit superficial resentments. There is no time for passive aggressive manipulation. You could lose someone tomorrow, so could I. You could be gone tomorrow, so could I. Say what needs to be said, and know that you mean it. Don't let your fear or your pride stop you from being authentic.
I love you, Judy, my friend, my Ma.
You're always in my heart,
The Boy
Thank you, Brittney. It was a very nice day to remember that spunky miracle worker.
ReplyDeleteAs always, a moving prose. Those flowers are beautiful and so was your Mom. She remains beautiful still in the ways she touches your life everyday. Thanks for sharing your fondest memories but also for your advice. It made me give my own Mom an extra squeeze yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI am confident your mother is very proud of your growth over the past months. You should put your head on the pillow every night knowing that becoming a man isn't easy but what every mother wants for her son.
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