Anger

I seem to shine without an ounce of effort.  Probably the most psychologically damaging attitude I've developed is a sense of talent, somehow being, "special."  I know I know... we're all special, we're all winners and we all get picked by a team to play kickball.  The truth is, if everyone is special, it's no longer special to be special, it's very average to be special these days.  I don't want to play kickball with you assholes anyway.  The resulting adult reality I've been living in all this time believing I was special gives my irrational mind license to feel wronged, hurt and cheated.  All of those feelings emerge in the form of anger for me.

The ability to allow myself to feel anger reveals both incredible psychological pathology but also an awareness and willingness to evolve.  I've been sick... very sick, I've been living in a room where no one but me is allowed.  The door is locked and barricaded, I'm slowly removing the rocks from the door, it's a painful endeavor.  I keep sending invites to people and then when they show up I tell them to fuck off.  It's like I've been begging for more reasons to hate myself, as if I haven't been an expert at finding them inside me without your help.  What I'm doing now is gradually making myself vulnerable again, there are lots of internal arguments happening as I robotically move things out of the way so someone else might be able to come in.

What a scary thing for me to feel.  It's such a hard thing for me to do, to embrace my anger, even if it's natural, even if it's healthy, I rage internally, I feel like  throwing a full blown tantrum.  I feel like if I feed it it will boil over and I will self destruct.  When people walk out of my life, whether they do it because of me, for themselves or both, if I let it happen, I am consumed by anger.  When I express it, I feel like a piece of shit, when I pretend like I'm not angry I become saturated with resentment.  Either way, it doesn't leave a lot of room to make that person anything more than an enemy.  There is no greater fertilizer for Hate than my anger.  Everyone that has ever loved me, loved me more than I ever have loved myself, that pendulum is shifting, and shifting quickly.  Call bullshit if you want to, I don't really give a shit what you think about it, you don't know me, you don't know what happens inside of me... you will never know, just like I'll never experience your reality.  I would suggest there are few people on the world who can stand up and take his beating with a better attitude than I can.  I don't want to run, I don't want to hide... I want to change and finding enough courage to take those steps is an exhausting exercise.

It was my belief, whether you think it or not, that I would never be good enough, not for you, not for me, not for anyone.  Do you know what it feels like to hate who you are?  Have you ever had a period in your life where it was painful and nauseating to look in the mirror?  Do you know what it feels like to believe that you're the greatest waste of talent and opportunity in the history of the universe?  Do you know what it feels like to be handed the keys to a wonderful life, spit on the keys, toss them in the river and choose misery?  Over and over and over again?  My whole life has been that way.  Constantly judging myself, always feeling like I should be more or have done more than I have.  No matter what level of success I've enjoyed in any area of my life it always feels like it wasn't not enough, not enough for me, not enough for anyone.  When I was successful at something my mind redefined the word, "Success" to orient my self image in a way so I could look down on myself.  I built this castle on the salt pillars of grandiosity and narcissism.  Part of my problem was I wanted to be powerful without being empowered.

There are people in my life that are really enjoying my deterioration... like it's some kind of cosmic justice.  I'm not without enemies.  I just wish someone could try my shoes on for a week and get back to me.  It's hard to find perspective when it's impossible for another person to have the same experience and evaluate it with the same inputs.  I only have 3 options, keep pointing my hate guns at myself, turn them around and start raining hate napalm on you, or holster them altogether.  It may come easy for some, but the task of resisting the urge to serve a banquet of cold revenge is one of the hardest things for me to do.  Wrath has been line item 1 in every 4th step I've ever done, it's a cornerstone of my pathology.  It's my responsibility to give these feelings a voice without giving them access to the nuclear silos.  I'm looking hard for the courage to drop the heavy artillery, to just let my old life die.  As a wise man told me, "I can't figure out why you would want to hold onto anything from that part of your life."  I've already spent too much time sitting in the hospital room alone, in shock, holding the hand of a dead life... feeling it turn cold.  It's time to get up and get the fuck out of this hospital.  There's not going to be any fanfare or a ceremony.  It's hard to say goodbye, but it's necessary if I'm ever going to say hello again.

Denial is an incredible thing.  Observations are washed away with contradictory promises, and I hold tight to them because the truth is too much to handle.  I recently said to someone, without much hesitation, "I'm never going to give anyone this much power again."  What did that really mean?  It meant I was being a hurt, pathetic, fearful bitch.  It meant I was going to take my ball and go home.  The truth, for me at least, is that if I can't find the capacity to vulnerably love, completely and openly in a way I've never done before, I'll be no more than a walking corpse.  Life is hard in a couple but it's hard alone too.  Personal growth under the umbrella of Independence is possible with someone or alone, it's also possible to not evolve as a person whether you're alone or coupled.  Personal growth is possible at all times, no matter what your circumstances.
 
I have the blessing of being silver tongued and compelling, with that comes the ability to strike people's weak spots with precision and lethality.  I am equally adept at making enemies as I am friends.  I am a good human being... I don't want to be a person who burns bridges and hurts people.  Fucking Alcoholism... I hate you.

I am not Evil and I'm not a Coward.

Probably no one has ever been so excited to go to jail, it's not a cell... it's an evolution chamber.  There will be no one that has ever been more determined when they emerge.  I have a new outlook, new hopes and a new perspective on why these things all happened and what they really mean for my future.  It's possible that there isn't anything that can be repaired, but that does not mean that those things can't be demolished and rebuilt.  Some things are worth fighting for and rebuilding some things are not.  It is up to me to determine what falls in what category... and so far, I'm off to a good start.