Damage

There has always been plenty that I don't understand about myself.  Lately though, the gorge between how I feel and what I think has been so wide that it is nearly impossible to be one person for a whole day... and whichever person walks into the spotlight feels like an alien, like someone I don't know and have never met.  My heart believes I cannot go on without things my brain knows I can't have and don't want.  The only thing that is consistent is that no matter what perspective I'm shoving to the front of the line it is followed by a large crowd of painful emotions, fear, shame, hurt, sadness... I have never felt lower emotionally, I've never had less confidence and I've never felt so powerless.  It's uncharted territory for me, and it certainly feels as though I'm confused as to how to get out of it.  One thing that has been maintained is my sobriety since August 12th.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but it feels good and I feel really good about my recovery. 

When I was arrested in August it was incredibly damaging to a lot of things that are important to me.  My friendships have suffered, my relationship is in many pieces, my self image is lower than it has ever been and generally I'm just a wimpering, hopeless, terrified man.

I don't have any excuses and I don't want anyone to hold their judgements... this is a ridiculous truth, it is reality.  I had already started to undermine my relationships and push people away.  I told myself that I was doing this, "for you, to protect you."  Partially that's true, but the real motivator to do this was because I couldn't handle the guilt of hurting the people I loved, I couldn't see their faces any more.  So instead of grabbing control of my life and stopping the destructive behavior, I surmised that it would be easier to dismantle my relationships.

At some point in a relationship, the love still exists, both parties wish it were possible, but it just simply isn't and it's hard to nail down exactly why.  People will often say things like, "sometimes there's just too much damamge done." it's pretty much universally accepted.  Any relationship with me and my alcoholism certainly qualifies.  The real problem with damage isn't necessarly the hurt caused, but the embarassment and shame of remaining in a relationship with someone that hurts you, or hurts themselves... or both.  This is an idea at the core of my emotional, cognitive disconnect right now.  I completely support the idea that whomever is with me during this should move on, should see the outside, should shine, should grow, should have wild ammounts of freedom and fun.  It's time to step out from behind the curtain of whatever relationship you're in and say... "Look at me Damn It!"  I'm not just a wonderful girlfriend, I'm not just the pretty girl on the arm of Mr. Personality... I'm pretty fucking awesome myself. 

Feeling the pressure of the family and friends is not an easy thing to deal with either.  I don't know what your friends are like, but mine are always quick to tell me what they think of whomever I'm dating.  I always know I'm in trouble if I find myself defending my lady.  "I know she's young but she is exactly what I want."  "I know she's emotionally unavailable and a bit of an Ice Queen, but it balances really well with my emotional awareness" are both things I've said in my last 2 long term relationships.  I've always been able to tell how much I really believed in who I was with based on how hard I fought back when my friends and family ecouraged me to either "get out," or told me,"I could do better."  Well unfortunately for me at this point... there is just no way for anyone to defend their choice to stay with me.  And I understand it wholly... I believe it's right.  I have a great deal of respect and pride in MRE for doing the things that she is doing, because more than anything I just want her to be happy, she deserves it, lord knows, with her experiences in love, she deserves a story with a happy ending.  Nobody wants to be ashamed or embarrassed about who they choose to be with.  With an honest evaluation of myself, the kind of person that wouldn't be embarrassed to date me right now is either an Angel or a Demon and I'm not sure I have the chops to date either one... although, depending upon the hotness factor of the Demon, that might be pretty fun. 

The real sickening part for me about all of this is that I am in love with her, deeply, and that is what lives on the other side of the gap from rational thought and reason.  What I know is right and what I feel is right are about as far apart as anything could possibly ever be.  It causes all sorts of emotions I don't know what to do with.  It's been my experience over my life that all of these things seem to work themselves out however they are supposed to.  It does feel different to me this time in a way I can't quite put my finger on.  Maybe it's because I'm down so low?  Maybe it's because I've never been quite this ready to settle down?  Maybe it's because I've never been more confident about the long term potential of a partner?  One thing is for sure, having the genuine thoughts of hapiness and pride in her for moving on and getting out there doing her thing does not mix well at all with the anguish my heart feels knowing that she has bumped me down the list of her heart.

It leaves me not knowing how to behave and not knowing how do grieve.  I just want the same things all of us do... happiness, joy, peace and love.  I am just tired of pushing them all away when they are all around me.  I am 31, this is not what I want for my life.  One step at a time... things will make sense, I do believe that.