Thirty-One

Hey, I made it passed thirty... so it's time to cough up the dough for everyone who threw cash down on the, "Under."

I took a good look at myself in the mirror today and I saw a good man.  A good man who hasn't been taking care of himself, not physically, emotionally or spiritually.  Everyone knows about my long, dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, I choose not to keep it hidden because it's important to acknowledge that it is part of me, fundamentally, part of what makes Tyler, Tyler.  I am not ashamed of it, no one should be ashamed of what they are, no matter what they are.  My shame comes from what I do, rather than what I am, and trust me, there's plenty.  The fact that I'm so aware of how dangerous alcohol is for me makes the way I've managed it in recent years all that much more negligent. 

If anyone has been keeping up to speed on my misadventures, you know that I was arrested for the 6th time and 3rd OWI in August.  All of the arrests are alcohol related.  I could spend time blaming circumstances, people or fate, but that's all complete bullshit.  If I step back and put my counselor glasses on, it is Crystal, if you remove the alcohol from my life... 95% of my problems just simply don't exist. 

It is clearly time to grow up.  I need to start taking my life a bit more seriously.  I am someone who since I was a little boy, never absolutely had to do anything I didn't want to do.  I still feel that way, only now, it's not the case.  I have had more opportunities and good fortune in 31 years than most people do in a lifetime.  I don't have much to show for it.  When I look back and my academic and employment history, I could very easily be a 6 figure guy if I didn't choose to pick up that bottle.  It's like a reset button that I hit whenever I start to make some real headway in any endeavor.  It's like I'm afraid of success and subconsciously sabotage myself.  I don't feel like I have a fear of pressure or leadership but I certainly do seem comfortable in the role of "the child."

This isn't a downer post on my special day, just a fallout of prose after an epiphany.  I have been living my life, possibly forever, but certainly with regard to my addiction, as though there will always be someone there to bail me out or force me to dust myself off and keep going.  That's a delusion I can no longer afford to carry.  It is time for me to start thinking about my life 5-10 years from now, and to lay out a loose plan for how to proceed. 

The fact is, I am very little of what I want to be and I've not done enough to ensure I reach my goals.  I always thought of myself as a compassionate man, with many talents and an effing peerless sense of humor.  I haven't allowed much of that to come out and live, I choose to hold myself hostage in the prison cell of my alcoholism.

Spending time looking in my rear-view serves me well only if I adjust my behavior base on what I see.  If I want to become the man I want to be, it's time to start working in that direction.  All I can do is put one foot down in front of the other and walk slowly up this hill.  I want to repay those people who held me up, I want to stand with my chest out as a man that can be looked up to and whose company can be enjoyed.  I want to be a pillar of support to everyone in my life.  I want stability and happiness.  I am tired of being the center of attention... I am just saturated with exhaustion from it.  I want to be there, for you, and the only way I can be available to anyone when they need me I have to be available to myself.  It is absolutely crucial that I start to act like my actions in the present have influence on the future for myself and for those I love.  This isn't a telenovela... this is real life and I feel like it's time for me to stop taking myself for granted.

If I can keep my hands off the bottle, then good things will happen.  I am a naturally talented human being, it's a gift that I've taken for granted for too long.  I sit in a cubicle entering data... a job I could be doing without a High School Diploma.  My alcoholism has derailed my dream train so many times that I've lost all of my educational and professional experience equity.  I've destroyed and damaged relationships with expert precision.  I've abused my body so badly that I'm lucky to only have the health problems I do.  I am grateful to be alive and grateful to have all of the wonderful people in my life that I do.  It is inspiring to see the resilience and faith that the people around me have.  It  It's difficult sometimes to resist the urge to try and go "all in" to get as much back as I can as quickly as possible.  I'm afraid though, the journey back to the top of Tyler Mountain needs to be a long and methodical one, or I am sure to fall back to base camp again.   I cannot afford more setbacks.

I am what I do, my life begins today, just as it will tomorrow, and every day.  We all have an opportunity everyday to do right, to do good and to make the decisions, no matter how small, that we can be proud of.

Yesterday might be regrettable, but it doesn't have to be a loss if I take care of Today.  I have so much in my life to be grateful for that there isn't enough room for any sense of lasting loss or self-pity.  Hopefully a year from now I can look back on this period in my life and be proud of the way I've handled myself and the changes I have made.  I hope nothing but the best for all of you.  Life Counts... every single day.

Now... it's time to cheer for the Hawkeyes, eat some fucking Turkey and make someone's Day.

Good Luck, Out There,
Tyler