Mine is a Cactus.

I'm somebody who is perpetually maladaptive. My alcoholism excluded, I've always felt like a bit of an oddball. An oddball of the likable variety, not the kind that stacks his french fried in a pyramid prior to consumption. I've always had friends, a handful of which I'm sure I'll have for the entirety of my life. The others flow in and out like tides, I've always felt like someone would float in when necessary and fill the void that they left and for the most part, that has been the case. I'm sure someone floats into their lives and fills the gap that I had previously filled as well. Even in my most emotionally intimate relationships I've never really felt understood, I've always felt connected to the people in my life, but in my assessment no person has the capacity to fully take the position of the other. So, in that, I feel a bit alone, I'm not suggesting that I'm unique in this, just flopping it out there.

I don't feel horribly misunderstood. I've never had anyone hear my stories and look upon me like I was growing a second head or say something like, "You're certifiable, go directly to the nuthouse." I do somehow, always manage to convince myself that I can't be fully related to by anyone. My old counselor would call me an egomaniac for saying such a thing, claim that I was, "terminally unique" and subsequently laugh at me and shake her head a bit. She would be right, it is a bit egocentric to think that no one can relate to you. If they awarded badges in treatment like they do in the boy scouts the "Egocentric" badge (picture the silhouette of a guy wearing sunglasses with his fists up by his head, pointing his thumbs at himself, "this guy") would have been the first one I was awarded, the second would be, "Grandiosity," and the third, "Junior Counselor" (the staff sometimes called me "JC" just to piss me off and shut me up during group therapy... it worked like a charm). I'm not afraid to wear the egocentric badge on my lapel, (I do have a suit) I'm admittedly someone who thinks he's the star of the show. It's not so much that I really, cognitively, think that no one can relate to me... it's just a sense, it's just how I feel, and that, my friends, is an entirely different barrel of ducks.

When what I think and what I feel don't plug in it forces me to evaluate my beliefs... which is something I avoid like filing papers, putting the clean silverware away and changing the toilet paper. My beliefs serve as an extention cord with multiple adapters so that my thoughts and feeling can talk to each other... so they can exist in the same reality. When I can't build a proper circuit, my brain tries to divide by Zero and a fatal error occurs.

God helps here, I know it's a bit of a touchy subject, so I'll be brief. When I do a comprehensive inventory of my life, it is not hard to see that when my belief in God is thriving, my life is easier to live. When my faith is whithering, life is often satisfactory, but certainly less, predictable, for the lack of a better term.

Faith is like a long term emotional insurance policy, one that covers a multitude of things, desperation, fear, shame, rage and hoplessness just to name a few. When I haven't been paying my premiums God's Desperation Claim Service isn't able to cover the damages. Feel free to fill in the space I have filled with, "God," with whatever you choose. Based on my experiences, the little plant that lives inside me, that I choose to call a soul, needs to be maintained to remain healthy. If I don't regularly water and feed it, when I hit a low point in my life, whatever remains of the plant may not be strong enough to support me. I choose to pray, medidtate and write to incubate my plant. All of these things on their own during the course of one day don't seem like much of a big deal, but when they are added up over a long period of time they can keep a person like me alive and well, when the circumstances dictate that "alive and well" are things I should not be. They are all actions that feed my soul, the little piece of God that lives inside of me... My Plant.

A healthy plant can withstand ALL conditions. That is not to say that it can thrive, there can and will be some limbs down during the thunderstorms of life, but my plant never suffers more than it does from neglect.

With a solid plant I am emotionally and mentally self sufficient. When I have a green thumb for myself I have an internal sense of perpetual well being... I know that everything will always turn out OK. There is never a reason to panic when I have flourishing flora. I can stand alone, powerful and proud on the strength of my own spirit.