Mother's Day

I get it...

The aspect of reading a post from me about mother's day... ON mother's day is a little terrifying.

That's cool, keep reading.

I had 3 friends lose moms too soon this year... and I tried so hard to help.  I'd have given myself away to take their pain.  I would have done anything.  Ryan, Greg, Susan... God if I could have just taken it away from you I would have.  I am so sorry for your loss.

Anything.

I sought them out for kinship and they sought me out for some kind of... something...

there is nothing.

Nothing.  That basket is empty today... and will be forever.

It doesn't matter what she's done.

Or not done.  Losing your mother is losing yourself.

I spent a lot of time describing the loss.  I've talked about it quite a lot.  I've had some people that didn't know us insinuate that I should move on... the throats of those relationships have been summarily slashed.  To those of you that did know us, and still somehow think that I'm lingering... imagine for a second that she had lost me, and she were facing every single day without the guy she tried her best for.  The guy she carried through losses on her shoulders and tried to carry her.  The only person that she knew would always be around.  The anchor.  The horribly enmeshed, co-dependent son... who could somehow make it all sound fine.  Who could make her laugh in the face of terror.  Who would stand by her no matter what she did. and could make a pork chop that you could cut with a fork (I can't make her spaghetti).   Who she knew would always be on the end of the phone.  Imagine if I were gone and she were dealing with that.

Neither of us would ever be okay, or the same ever again.

You don't understand my loss in the same way I don't understand yours.  We bond over the emotions felt but never the experience, because it's always different and to say you understand it is insulting... to everyone, so stop it.  The only people I really care to grieve with are gone, save for one, and he and I only speak via text about once a week.

It's just a thundering loss... that the most fortunate of us have to face.  We will all do it differently.

People talk about how time can help... it can or it can't.

Just time, that ticks and ticks.

Whatever loss you've had just please remember that time is neutral.  People always run their idiot mouths about how it heals all wounds...  It will not.  Time can destroy you.  You are the answer.  Use it or be used by it.

Today...

Grab her hand if you can and just say... something.

She is a villain or a hero, there is no in-between.

Impact.

Whatever opportunities you have with your mother.  Play cards. Sit.  Laugh.  Drink lemonade on the porch and tell jokes and make faces at each other... (do that for me).  Just touch her and remember it.  Because someday you won't be able to... or she won't... life is terrifying.

Just have a day.

One you will both have and possibly remember.

Talk soon.
t