Thirty-One

Hey, I made it passed thirty... so it's time to cough up the dough for everyone who threw cash down on the, "Under."

I took a good look at myself in the mirror today and I saw a good man.  A good man who hasn't been taking care of himself, not physically, emotionally or spiritually.  Everyone knows about my long, dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, I choose not to keep it hidden because it's important to acknowledge that it is part of me, fundamentally, part of what makes Tyler, Tyler.  I am not ashamed of it, no one should be ashamed of what they are, no matter what they are.  My shame comes from what I do, rather than what I am, and trust me, there's plenty.  The fact that I'm so aware of how dangerous alcohol is for me makes the way I've managed it in recent years all that much more negligent. 

If anyone has been keeping up to speed on my misadventures, you know that I was arrested for the 6th time and 3rd OWI in August.  All of the arrests are alcohol related.  I could spend time blaming circumstances, people or fate, but that's all complete bullshit.  If I step back and put my counselor glasses on, it is Crystal, if you remove the alcohol from my life... 95% of my problems just simply don't exist. 

It is clearly time to grow up.  I need to start taking my life a bit more seriously.  I am someone who since I was a little boy, never absolutely had to do anything I didn't want to do.  I still feel that way, only now, it's not the case.  I have had more opportunities and good fortune in 31 years than most people do in a lifetime.  I don't have much to show for it.  When I look back and my academic and employment history, I could very easily be a 6 figure guy if I didn't choose to pick up that bottle.  It's like a reset button that I hit whenever I start to make some real headway in any endeavor.  It's like I'm afraid of success and subconsciously sabotage myself.  I don't feel like I have a fear of pressure or leadership but I certainly do seem comfortable in the role of "the child."

This isn't a downer post on my special day, just a fallout of prose after an epiphany.  I have been living my life, possibly forever, but certainly with regard to my addiction, as though there will always be someone there to bail me out or force me to dust myself off and keep going.  That's a delusion I can no longer afford to carry.  It is time for me to start thinking about my life 5-10 years from now, and to lay out a loose plan for how to proceed. 

The fact is, I am very little of what I want to be and I've not done enough to ensure I reach my goals.  I always thought of myself as a compassionate man, with many talents and an effing peerless sense of humor.  I haven't allowed much of that to come out and live, I choose to hold myself hostage in the prison cell of my alcoholism.

Spending time looking in my rear-view serves me well only if I adjust my behavior base on what I see.  If I want to become the man I want to be, it's time to start working in that direction.  All I can do is put one foot down in front of the other and walk slowly up this hill.  I want to repay those people who held me up, I want to stand with my chest out as a man that can be looked up to and whose company can be enjoyed.  I want to be a pillar of support to everyone in my life.  I want stability and happiness.  I am tired of being the center of attention... I am just saturated with exhaustion from it.  I want to be there, for you, and the only way I can be available to anyone when they need me I have to be available to myself.  It is absolutely crucial that I start to act like my actions in the present have influence on the future for myself and for those I love.  This isn't a telenovela... this is real life and I feel like it's time for me to stop taking myself for granted.

If I can keep my hands off the bottle, then good things will happen.  I am a naturally talented human being, it's a gift that I've taken for granted for too long.  I sit in a cubicle entering data... a job I could be doing without a High School Diploma.  My alcoholism has derailed my dream train so many times that I've lost all of my educational and professional experience equity.  I've destroyed and damaged relationships with expert precision.  I've abused my body so badly that I'm lucky to only have the health problems I do.  I am grateful to be alive and grateful to have all of the wonderful people in my life that I do.  It is inspiring to see the resilience and faith that the people around me have.  It  It's difficult sometimes to resist the urge to try and go "all in" to get as much back as I can as quickly as possible.  I'm afraid though, the journey back to the top of Tyler Mountain needs to be a long and methodical one, or I am sure to fall back to base camp again.   I cannot afford more setbacks.

I am what I do, my life begins today, just as it will tomorrow, and every day.  We all have an opportunity everyday to do right, to do good and to make the decisions, no matter how small, that we can be proud of.

Yesterday might be regrettable, but it doesn't have to be a loss if I take care of Today.  I have so much in my life to be grateful for that there isn't enough room for any sense of lasting loss or self-pity.  Hopefully a year from now I can look back on this period in my life and be proud of the way I've handled myself and the changes I have made.  I hope nothing but the best for all of you.  Life Counts... every single day.

Now... it's time to cheer for the Hawkeyes, eat some fucking Turkey and make someone's Day.

Good Luck, Out There,
Tyler

Day 66

As my 31's birthday rapidly approaches, it's time to take some inventory.  Time to purge... this shit is real, proceed with caution.

I am an alcoholic, I make no attempt to conceal it from anyone, I know it to be true, I have over a decade of proof.  My alcoholism does not define me but it is an inextricable part of who I am, I don't pity myself and I'm not ashamed to be an alcoholic.  What I am ashamed of is how I've managed my addiction the last 3 1/2 years.  I had over six years sober from 2000-2007 and then had a catastrophic relapse, from which, I've never fully recovered.  I just haven't been able to sink my teeth back into sobriety in a lasting and meaningful way, the way I remember it.  My life feels like a work of fiction, like I'm walking around in a movie, surely I can't be here again, how did I get here?

The last three years have been hard, and not just for me, it has been hard for everyone around me.  During my active addiction I would do everything I could to push people away, I would verbally and emotionally abuse people in a cruel and venomous way.  I have never, in my life, treated people I claim to love with such disrespect and selfishness.  It is entirely contrary to my nature, the last thing I want to do is hurt people.   The looks of horror, anger and sadness are now replaced by looks of apathy and pity.

I can feel the emotional distance between myself and my loved ones expanding.  The texts have gotten fewer and farther between, people's tone, message and body language has cooled off to a temperature just above freezing.  I do not harbor any resentments or ill will toward these people, I actually respect them for putting up walls, moving on with their lives and retracting that extended hand that was always there to help hold me up.  In this life we have you simply cannot afford to love someone more than they love themselves, you won't have any love leftover for yourself.  If you blindly devote yourself to a drunk you will end up nothing more than a sacrifice at the alter of the alcoholic.  As much as I'd like to play the pity card, I can't, it's just not true.  I cannot say that I'm being abandoned, being treated unfairly or that people are "giving up," because that isn't the case, if these people could have it their way everything would be fine between us.  They are responding to what I've done, if accountability for my sense of isolation falls on any one's shoulders, it falls squarely on mine.  Nobody should have to sit by helplessly as they watch someone they love slowly kill themselves... and since all of their best efforts have proven to be futile, there is only one way for these people to protect themselves and that is distance, a gradual unplugging of emotional connectedness.  I spent a lot of time and effort convincing everyone that this ship was sinking and to get the hell off of it while there was still time... really, that was an attempt on my part to avoid hurting them, for my own sake.  I was tired of having their pain on my conscience, so instead of choosing to stop hurting them, I chose to push people away.  If you gave me the choice to just pack my shit and leave this chaos behind me... I do that shit in a heartbeat, but it would only follow me where ever I went.  When I think back to the year I spent as a substance abuse counselor and look at my life through the most objective lenses I can muster, I know exactly what I would say to the people close to me, "You have to take care of yourself, it is hard to let someone go, but you have no choice... run like hell, it only gets worse."

It hurts, it hurts more than I can possibly describe.  When I allow my mind to soak in the tragedies of my life I seize up emotionally, I become catatonic, it all doesn't seem like it can be real.  I wake up in the middle of the night regularly halfway through a panic attack, sobbing and yelling.  There is real intense pain living inside of me, pain I do not want to acknowledge and certainly don't want you to know about.  After all, I'm Mr. Good Time Funny Guy, right?  I can't be desperate and lonely.  I can't be sad and terrified. I can't feel spiritually bankrupt and forsaken... can I?   The truth is I walk the line, everyday, between "total denial" and "complete despair."  I have no one to blame but myself, whatever I get, whatever opportunities I'm granted or consequences suffered, I did this... I did this to myself.  The mangled pieces of my life are all around me, I am a complete disaster.  I am a burden on the lives of people around me, nobody can rely on me or trust me... in fact, I've turned out to be the complete opposite of what I thought I was.  I always wanted to be someone that people could look up to and count on.  I still believe that there is a good man that lives inside this body and I do believe he still has a chance, but it's time to face the facts that my silver tongue and charming nature can only keep the consequences at bay for so long, before the house of cards comes crashing down.  My character is not measured by what I intended to do, but rather by what I've done.  I have very little to be proud of over the last 3 years and many, many regrets.  My smoke and mirrors routine works pretty well to keep the peripherals in the dark about my truth, and keeps me from spiraling into complete madness.  However, by hiding my internal reality, I appear glib and nonchalant to the people that know the truth... and in doing so, I further alienate them.

There isn't a thing I can say and nothing I can do to change what has happened.  All I can do now is salvage what I can and begin to rebuild.  I have been sober for 66 days today, it seems like an eternity since August 12th, 2010... the day I was arrested for OWI 3rd.  Oddly I felt a sense of relief when it happened, like, "at least this is finally over."  It really was only a matter of time before some catastrophe happened.  By the grace of God nobody was hurt.  I will certainly be spending at least 45 days in county jail... potentially up to a year or so.  It's not so much the time in jail that eats away at my foundation, but the time away from my family and friends... what if I'm gone for 9 months?  Who will still be here when I get out?  What will my life look like?  How many times can a guy start from scratch before he just says, "Fuck it, I don't have the resilience for this anymore?"  I don't know for sure... but I know that I don't have the strength in me to come down off the ledge if this happens again.

If this doesn't stop, this is certainly how my story will end.  I am scared, I am scared of myself... I'm scared that I can be as smart as I am and know what I know about myself and still make the choice to drink.  If you remove the alcohol from my past, 95% of my problems disappear.  It's maddening, it is full blown insane.  I want to rip my heart out and slam it down on the table, just to show you I still have one.  I want people to see that there is good that lives inside me,  I want to make amends, I want to repay my emotional debts. I would do absolutely anything to put my life back the way it was 3 years ago and make better choices, but I can't.  All I can do is the next right thing, the only things I have any reason to stress about are the things I can control... the rest of all that shit is someone else's problem.  I know I want sobriety, I know I don't want to drink, I will do anything, I will go to any length for this... even if I stay sober just out of spite.  I have the skills to mindfuck myself to the liquor store, you would think I'd have enough talent to mindfuck my way to Culver's instead.  I'm all in, bitch... and I haven't even looked at my cards.

I'm going to be 31 on Saturday and I'm about as emotionally mature as I was at 19.  I was an only child, I spent almost all of my childhood around adults, so I spent the first half of my life being more mature than everyone and the latter half being less mature than everyone.  Every time I slide back into a bottle it becomes sadder and sadder and sadder... I'm not a kid anymore.  I'm not a wayward youth.  I'm not someone who will, "grow out of it."  I am entering the realm of complete degenerate loser... the hopeless, the alone, the without, the lost.  Just a tarnished golden boy, with a bottle Scotch, blacking out the truth, wandering slowly alone down the road to nowhere.