I Still Don't Want to Drink

I've probably never been quite as equipped with excuses to dump a few liters of liquor down my hair covered face. 

Radiating waves of some of the most intense and foreign pain roll in and roll out.  It's grief.  I hate grief... it's never easy when things we hold close to ourselves die, even if those things were unhealthy, even if you could see it coming.  There's just no way a person can be prepared... I've watched people in my family die who I thought would live forever, I've watched relationships die that I thought would live forever.  Cognitively, of course I know there's not guarantee of permanence in any of this, in fact quite the opposite is true.  What I do, sometimes stupidly allow, is the starry eyed belief that maybe it will be different, maybe I can approach the relationship with the belief that it's permanent.  Losing someone is horrifying, helpless doesn't really begin to describe what a person feels like when someone slips away.  The writing is on the wall, and I just keep staring at the floor.  It's just incredible how denial can work so well.  Sometimes I'm grateful for it, sometimes I'm resentful.  My brain doesn't seem to know the difference between productive healing pain and unhealthy misery, laden with self abuse and hate.  All my brain knows is, "Pain effing blows... get it outta here."  So, in my life, I've allowed unhealthy things to continue far too long and I've intentionally put off soaking through healing grief because I didn't want to feel it.  Both are bad, both can be avoided with a diligent awareness (an awareness I only seem to possess when I don't need it).  Denial isn't always bad, it exists for a good reason... but when I don't keep an eye on it I actually set myself up for more pain than I would have otherwise.

Anyways... I'm obviously struggling with a lot of personal issues that remain unresolved.  When it's appropriate for me to talk about them in a forum like this I will, until then... maybe don't be so effing nosy? Mmmmk?  The point of this post is to take a minute and look inward at the best things about me right now and I encourage any of you to do that same... that means everyone, even you.  For me, I've struggled a lot with personal identity, for most of my adult life I've completely denied myself a voice and defined myself by what I'm doing, who I'm in love with, where I work, what I'm doing academically.  I don't think I'm alone here... head over to an in laws Christmas and think about answering the question, "So what are you doing? How have you been?"  You're likely going to list off your annual resume with a handful of embellishments and positive spins.  You're not going to say much of anything about your own personal growth or the things you can really feel good about independent of what you happen to be doing.  "Yeah, Janet... I've been in therapy all year and I've never felt more self-actualized."  She would have spit in my face and denied me scalloped corn.  Which is why I talked about my internship, my job, my mother's health... etc. (I really did like her scalloped corn).  The problem with being so caught up in defining myself by external things is, well, they're all gone.  So, I'm left with this sense of being noone, when these things that are so much a part of how I define myself fall away... just who in the hell am I? 

I'm 31 and I'm certainly not where I thought I would be... face it haters, I'm talented.  I was pretty sure I was already going to have been published and be working on my 3rd or 4th million dollars.  As it stands, I'm living with my second set of parents, I lost my job due to a psychiatric hospitalization, I've been arrested 7 times for alcohol related offenses and I'm headed to jail for a yet to be determined amount of time... so, my PhD is going to have to wait, again.  There's a resume for you... drop that one on Janet at the stupid effing white elephant, yankee swap, Christmas extravaganza. 

I am responsible for all of these things, for all of these losses and pain.  These are things I've done and I will do nothing short of standing up admitting my wrong and accepting the consequences.  Whenever I emerge from this tunnel I have build myself that I am now crawling through I want to be able to turn around and look at where I was and say, "Tyler, you handled that as well as you possibly could have."  I don't want to look back and feel like I have wasted that time or sat alone in a dark room and felt sorry for myself.  Because, that facts are... all this fallout is a result of a bomb that I dropped.  The consequences have been many and there are more still to come, I can choose to be a cry baby bitch about it or I can choose to accept them as my reality and be accountable and present, nothing I do can change their inevitability.  So why not get my best Victor Frankl on and find some meaning inside this seemingly meaningless period in my life?

If there ever were a time when people would maybe, not only expect me to be in a bathtub full of Scotch, but perhaps even understand it, it's now.  There is nothing inside of me that is driven to numb out this experience.  There has never been a greater opportunity for growth in my life.  I am going to enter a jail holding on to nothing except all of the things that make me who I am.  I will have nothing to lean on, no crutches, no external hopes... nothing to distract me from the reality of the experience.  It's going to be awful, it has been awful for months already, but I don't want to miss it.  I need to feel this, I need to feel all of it.  As awful as it's going to be, in a lot of ways it will be a chance to wave goodbye to the fumbling disaster my life has been for 5 years and be reborn to a life full of new hopes, new people and new opportunities.

I am not what I've done.  I am not what I'm doing.  I am not what my intentions are.  I am not those fancy papers that I hang on my wall.  I am a man who loves.  I am smart.  I am deep.  I'm funny and infectious (in a good way, not like herpes).  I'm a lot of things that, when I take the time to look at, I really really like.  These are only a few of the things that make me who I am, there are hundreds of thousands of things like this that live within all of us.  No matter what happens... these are things I can always pick up and take with me where ever I may go.  They are permanent, they are me.  Who are you?

Important. Period.

What did I learn in college?  Lots of stuff... most of it's forgotton, which actually is some kind of justice, since my degree doesn't seem to be helping me personally or professionally.  There was one thing though, that stuck and stuck like glue.  It is absolutely the single most important thing I learned in college and having this awareness alone makes the ridiculous tuition at a major public university worth it.  So, just read this, save your money, and move on.

I was a philosophy major in college for a few semesters and it caused more problems for me than it did me good... it's just constant cycling, it's an intellectual 3 ring circus, with no elephants.  One of the things I gravitated toward was "meaning" like, purpose, you know?  Like what is the meaning of all of this, all of this effort, what is it for?  I don't remember who it was I was reading but I remember the message.  It's something like this, obviously this isn't verbatim.  

Human beings have an incurable tendency to want to be important, not conditionally important... but important PERIOD.  That raises a whole host of problems, because ultimately, no one ever really achieves that.  It's an impossibility... even the Sun isn't important period.  It's important to everyone on Earth and it's important to our solar system... but it's not important in the context of the Milky Way, there are billions of stars in this galaxy and more than billions of galaxies in the Universe.  If I'm looking to be important period... well... I'm always going to be frustrated and unhappy.  So... why not just tie large weighted objects to my feet and throw myself off a bridge, would it really matter?  If life is painful and the storm really shows no signs of letting up, what the fuck am I doing this for?   Well, I may not be important period, but I am important conditionally, and so are you.  If I can find meaning in my life in my mother or my father or my relationships or my dogs or a cause or writing or making people's day or whatever... then all of those things are important and all of those things make me important.  Yeah, so, you might say, "Well, if you love someone and they love you but ultimately you're both meaningless then the meaning you find in each other doesn't matter and you're both just a wash of meaningless misery."  I would say in return, "I have some weights and rope in my basement... there's a bridge right down the street."

If the meaning I find in my life means nothing to you... I'm fine with that.  Ultimately, whatever meaning I find is enough for me, so long as I choose to look for it and as long as I have no expectations of being important period.

Period.

tg

Damage

There has always been plenty that I don't understand about myself.  Lately though, the gorge between how I feel and what I think has been so wide that it is nearly impossible to be one person for a whole day... and whichever person walks into the spotlight feels like an alien, like someone I don't know and have never met.  My heart believes I cannot go on without things my brain knows I can't have and don't want.  The only thing that is consistent is that no matter what perspective I'm shoving to the front of the line it is followed by a large crowd of painful emotions, fear, shame, hurt, sadness... I have never felt lower emotionally, I've never had less confidence and I've never felt so powerless.  It's uncharted territory for me, and it certainly feels as though I'm confused as to how to get out of it.  One thing that has been maintained is my sobriety since August 12th.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but it feels good and I feel really good about my recovery. 

When I was arrested in August it was incredibly damaging to a lot of things that are important to me.  My friendships have suffered, my relationship is in many pieces, my self image is lower than it has ever been and generally I'm just a wimpering, hopeless, terrified man.

I don't have any excuses and I don't want anyone to hold their judgements... this is a ridiculous truth, it is reality.  I had already started to undermine my relationships and push people away.  I told myself that I was doing this, "for you, to protect you."  Partially that's true, but the real motivator to do this was because I couldn't handle the guilt of hurting the people I loved, I couldn't see their faces any more.  So instead of grabbing control of my life and stopping the destructive behavior, I surmised that it would be easier to dismantle my relationships.

At some point in a relationship, the love still exists, both parties wish it were possible, but it just simply isn't and it's hard to nail down exactly why.  People will often say things like, "sometimes there's just too much damamge done." it's pretty much universally accepted.  Any relationship with me and my alcoholism certainly qualifies.  The real problem with damage isn't necessarly the hurt caused, but the embarassment and shame of remaining in a relationship with someone that hurts you, or hurts themselves... or both.  This is an idea at the core of my emotional, cognitive disconnect right now.  I completely support the idea that whomever is with me during this should move on, should see the outside, should shine, should grow, should have wild ammounts of freedom and fun.  It's time to step out from behind the curtain of whatever relationship you're in and say... "Look at me Damn It!"  I'm not just a wonderful girlfriend, I'm not just the pretty girl on the arm of Mr. Personality... I'm pretty fucking awesome myself. 

Feeling the pressure of the family and friends is not an easy thing to deal with either.  I don't know what your friends are like, but mine are always quick to tell me what they think of whomever I'm dating.  I always know I'm in trouble if I find myself defending my lady.  "I know she's young but she is exactly what I want."  "I know she's emotionally unavailable and a bit of an Ice Queen, but it balances really well with my emotional awareness" are both things I've said in my last 2 long term relationships.  I've always been able to tell how much I really believed in who I was with based on how hard I fought back when my friends and family ecouraged me to either "get out," or told me,"I could do better."  Well unfortunately for me at this point... there is just no way for anyone to defend their choice to stay with me.  And I understand it wholly... I believe it's right.  I have a great deal of respect and pride in MRE for doing the things that she is doing, because more than anything I just want her to be happy, she deserves it, lord knows, with her experiences in love, she deserves a story with a happy ending.  Nobody wants to be ashamed or embarrassed about who they choose to be with.  With an honest evaluation of myself, the kind of person that wouldn't be embarrassed to date me right now is either an Angel or a Demon and I'm not sure I have the chops to date either one... although, depending upon the hotness factor of the Demon, that might be pretty fun. 

The real sickening part for me about all of this is that I am in love with her, deeply, and that is what lives on the other side of the gap from rational thought and reason.  What I know is right and what I feel is right are about as far apart as anything could possibly ever be.  It causes all sorts of emotions I don't know what to do with.  It's been my experience over my life that all of these things seem to work themselves out however they are supposed to.  It does feel different to me this time in a way I can't quite put my finger on.  Maybe it's because I'm down so low?  Maybe it's because I've never been quite this ready to settle down?  Maybe it's because I've never been more confident about the long term potential of a partner?  One thing is for sure, having the genuine thoughts of hapiness and pride in her for moving on and getting out there doing her thing does not mix well at all with the anguish my heart feels knowing that she has bumped me down the list of her heart.

It leaves me not knowing how to behave and not knowing how do grieve.  I just want the same things all of us do... happiness, joy, peace and love.  I am just tired of pushing them all away when they are all around me.  I am 31, this is not what I want for my life.  One step at a time... things will make sense, I do believe that.

Thirty-One

Hey, I made it passed thirty... so it's time to cough up the dough for everyone who threw cash down on the, "Under."

I took a good look at myself in the mirror today and I saw a good man.  A good man who hasn't been taking care of himself, not physically, emotionally or spiritually.  Everyone knows about my long, dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, I choose not to keep it hidden because it's important to acknowledge that it is part of me, fundamentally, part of what makes Tyler, Tyler.  I am not ashamed of it, no one should be ashamed of what they are, no matter what they are.  My shame comes from what I do, rather than what I am, and trust me, there's plenty.  The fact that I'm so aware of how dangerous alcohol is for me makes the way I've managed it in recent years all that much more negligent. 

If anyone has been keeping up to speed on my misadventures, you know that I was arrested for the 6th time and 3rd OWI in August.  All of the arrests are alcohol related.  I could spend time blaming circumstances, people or fate, but that's all complete bullshit.  If I step back and put my counselor glasses on, it is Crystal, if you remove the alcohol from my life... 95% of my problems just simply don't exist. 

It is clearly time to grow up.  I need to start taking my life a bit more seriously.  I am someone who since I was a little boy, never absolutely had to do anything I didn't want to do.  I still feel that way, only now, it's not the case.  I have had more opportunities and good fortune in 31 years than most people do in a lifetime.  I don't have much to show for it.  When I look back and my academic and employment history, I could very easily be a 6 figure guy if I didn't choose to pick up that bottle.  It's like a reset button that I hit whenever I start to make some real headway in any endeavor.  It's like I'm afraid of success and subconsciously sabotage myself.  I don't feel like I have a fear of pressure or leadership but I certainly do seem comfortable in the role of "the child."

This isn't a downer post on my special day, just a fallout of prose after an epiphany.  I have been living my life, possibly forever, but certainly with regard to my addiction, as though there will always be someone there to bail me out or force me to dust myself off and keep going.  That's a delusion I can no longer afford to carry.  It is time for me to start thinking about my life 5-10 years from now, and to lay out a loose plan for how to proceed. 

The fact is, I am very little of what I want to be and I've not done enough to ensure I reach my goals.  I always thought of myself as a compassionate man, with many talents and an effing peerless sense of humor.  I haven't allowed much of that to come out and live, I choose to hold myself hostage in the prison cell of my alcoholism.

Spending time looking in my rear-view serves me well only if I adjust my behavior base on what I see.  If I want to become the man I want to be, it's time to start working in that direction.  All I can do is put one foot down in front of the other and walk slowly up this hill.  I want to repay those people who held me up, I want to stand with my chest out as a man that can be looked up to and whose company can be enjoyed.  I want to be a pillar of support to everyone in my life.  I want stability and happiness.  I am tired of being the center of attention... I am just saturated with exhaustion from it.  I want to be there, for you, and the only way I can be available to anyone when they need me I have to be available to myself.  It is absolutely crucial that I start to act like my actions in the present have influence on the future for myself and for those I love.  This isn't a telenovela... this is real life and I feel like it's time for me to stop taking myself for granted.

If I can keep my hands off the bottle, then good things will happen.  I am a naturally talented human being, it's a gift that I've taken for granted for too long.  I sit in a cubicle entering data... a job I could be doing without a High School Diploma.  My alcoholism has derailed my dream train so many times that I've lost all of my educational and professional experience equity.  I've destroyed and damaged relationships with expert precision.  I've abused my body so badly that I'm lucky to only have the health problems I do.  I am grateful to be alive and grateful to have all of the wonderful people in my life that I do.  It is inspiring to see the resilience and faith that the people around me have.  It  It's difficult sometimes to resist the urge to try and go "all in" to get as much back as I can as quickly as possible.  I'm afraid though, the journey back to the top of Tyler Mountain needs to be a long and methodical one, or I am sure to fall back to base camp again.   I cannot afford more setbacks.

I am what I do, my life begins today, just as it will tomorrow, and every day.  We all have an opportunity everyday to do right, to do good and to make the decisions, no matter how small, that we can be proud of.

Yesterday might be regrettable, but it doesn't have to be a loss if I take care of Today.  I have so much in my life to be grateful for that there isn't enough room for any sense of lasting loss or self-pity.  Hopefully a year from now I can look back on this period in my life and be proud of the way I've handled myself and the changes I have made.  I hope nothing but the best for all of you.  Life Counts... every single day.

Now... it's time to cheer for the Hawkeyes, eat some fucking Turkey and make someone's Day.

Good Luck, Out There,
Tyler